Family members and friends often worry that they said or did something to cause a loved one to self-harm. Keep in mind that people self-harm for many different reasons, including:
experiencing immediate physical release for emotional distress
being able to inadvertently express emotions
self-punishing oneself for mistakes or having difficult emotions
peer influence (others are doing it, so it feels more normalized)
Ask directly: Even if you feel nervous, if you have any suspicions about self-harm, ask the person directly. They may be relieved that you started the conversation. More than anything, aim to be compassionate. This is a vulnerable topic, and lecturing or getting angry will likely result in the person shutting down. Keep in mind that your loved one may not be honest with you right away.
Don't blame yourself: At this point, it isn't helpful to blame yourself for what's going on. All mental health issues are inherently complex and part of a greater system. A loved one self-harming does not mean you are a bad person. Focus your efforts on being a source of emotional support and be mindful of your judgments or biases.
Don't make them promise to stop: Most people who self-harm want to stop, but they often lack adequate distress tolerance skills to manage their intense emotions. They may also struggle with poor impulse control or low self-esteem. Keep in mind that self-harm can mimic other compulsive behaviour, and it's normal to have lapses during the early stages of recovery.
Honour your loved one’s mental health: If you know your loved one is under immense stress, try to slow down. Let them know they're allowed to ask for help, support, or downtime. Yes, work or school are important, but they should never be prioritized above someone's emotional wellness. Model how you engage in self-care and try to practice better stress management yourself.
Support treatment: Let your loved one know there are treatments for self-harm and that you are willing to help them get the support they need.